Musings...

For a person who pretty much has no exceptional life you would think that with all the thinking I do each day that I would be the most accomplished person in the world. I have a very A-type personality; I like to plan ahead, I like to make lists for the simple gratification of crossing something off, I like to take care of things around the house (even though my parents may not notice) and somehow keep things orderly. But yet, even though I have this A-type personality I am still running around like a chicken with my head cut off. I once heard this girl explain the difference between the way a girl thinks, and the way a guy thinks. The girl's thoughts are running around like a bunch of horses in a coral. You would be surprised at how many things that I think about at the same time, not to mention the things that I worry about. They guy thinks about things like each horse in their designated stall. They think and worry about one thing at a time. Well for crying out loud, no wonder they have it so freaking easy!!! I mean at this very moment things that run across my mind are; my appointment on Monday, the several weddings that I have already been invited to this wedding season, remembering to make an appointment at the vet for one dog while remembering that the other dog has an appointment next week, credit card payments, grocery list, figuring out the time line for baking a cake and when and if I will be able to give said cake to friend for their birthday, one of my hundreds of cousins is coming in town in a few weeks *mental note to hang out with them*.... the list goes on and on and on. When will it ever end??

It's not just my organizing life style, but even when it comes to communicating with others and how they perceive me. For instance, if someone has an issue with me, I want to fix it!! I have always been that way. I don't know why. I wish I could be like others and have the attitude "I don't care what you think of me" but I can't. I like to make things right. Now, that goes without saying I try my hardest, several attempts, and if that person does not let things go, or forgive, or change their opinion about me, whatever the issue may be, then I move on. My opinion, I tried... there is nothing more for me to do, so why should I continue on such a trek if they won't even give me the time of day.

I have been told before that I am the sweetest person people have ever befriended, but yet, if I am so sweet, then why do I feel like crap most of the time?? Yes, I know I must factor in that I have a lot going on at home, but I cherish each of my friends very much, and I feel as if something is wrong. Not as if something is missing, because I wouldn't give up any of my friends, but, I don't know, it's hard to explain. I think, maybe, that I have had this expectation of how a friendship is supposed to be, and then have been let down. I have put up a wall in my love life and now I am feeling as if I am having to do that in the friendship world as well. Of course, I don't feel that way about every friendship that I have, but some.

With having said that, for I fear I have said too much, I am going to go and try and get some sleep.