Musings...

For a person who pretty much has no exceptional life you would think that with all the thinking I do each day that I would be the most accomplished person in the world. I have a very A-type personality; I like to plan ahead, I like to make lists for the simple gratification of crossing something off, I like to take care of things around the house (even though my parents may not notice) and somehow keep things orderly. But yet, even though I have this A-type personality I am still running around like a chicken with my head cut off. I once heard this girl explain the difference between the way a girl thinks, and the way a guy thinks. The girl's thoughts are running around like a bunch of horses in a coral. You would be surprised at how many things that I think about at the same time, not to mention the things that I worry about. They guy thinks about things like each horse in their designated stall. They think and worry about one thing at a time. Well for crying out loud, no wonder they have it so freaking easy!!! I mean at this very moment things that run across my mind are; my appointment on Monday, the several weddings that I have already been invited to this wedding season, remembering to make an appointment at the vet for one dog while remembering that the other dog has an appointment next week, credit card payments, grocery list, figuring out the time line for baking a cake and when and if I will be able to give said cake to friend for their birthday, one of my hundreds of cousins is coming in town in a few weeks *mental note to hang out with them*.... the list goes on and on and on. When will it ever end??

It's not just my organizing life style, but even when it comes to communicating with others and how they perceive me. For instance, if someone has an issue with me, I want to fix it!! I have always been that way. I don't know why. I wish I could be like others and have the attitude "I don't care what you think of me" but I can't. I like to make things right. Now, that goes without saying I try my hardest, several attempts, and if that person does not let things go, or forgive, or change their opinion about me, whatever the issue may be, then I move on. My opinion, I tried... there is nothing more for me to do, so why should I continue on such a trek if they won't even give me the time of day.

I have been told before that I am the sweetest person people have ever befriended, but yet, if I am so sweet, then why do I feel like crap most of the time?? Yes, I know I must factor in that I have a lot going on at home, but I cherish each of my friends very much, and I feel as if something is wrong. Not as if something is missing, because I wouldn't give up any of my friends, but, I don't know, it's hard to explain. I think, maybe, that I have had this expectation of how a friendship is supposed to be, and then have been let down. I have put up a wall in my love life and now I am feeling as if I am having to do that in the friendship world as well. Of course, I don't feel that way about every friendship that I have, but some.

With having said that, for I fear I have said too much, I am going to go and try and get some sleep.

Prayer

So, I hope that each of you had a wonderful New Year! Sorry I drifted away... there has been a lot of things going on with me lately and I found it best to stay clear of the computer. I know this blog is for me and I should be able to write whatever the heck I please and not care if I upset someone. But once again, I'm nice, and think of the consequences before hand. So, instead of venting, or rambling on about something in my life that is so "tragic" that you find ridiculous, I kept it to myself.

I entitle this post "Prayer" specifically because that is what I am asking for. Prayer, support, comfort... etc etc. At the end of July 2010 my dad was diagnosed with End Stage Renal Failure aka his kidneys don't work. So, he went through numerous surgeries at first and we're still working out all the kinks but he is at home, in the comfort of his own home where he can do his dialysis treatments each night. I ask for prayer, because he's miserable. Day after day I sit by and watch my dad and wonder, "Is this going to be a bad day? a really bad day? or a horrible day?" Note that not once did I say "good day", I have come to the conclusion that as long as my dad is on dialysis, there will be no such day. He is constantly sick all the time and can't keep anything that he eats down. It's like clock work, he'll eat a meal, and then not even an hour later he'll be running to the bathroom. I usually hear him throughout the night as well. His color is bad, his eyes are starting to sink really bad, there is no conversing with the man anymore, I gave that up a long time ago.

I not only ask for prayer for my dad but for me as well. I am with my dad day in day out. I am here for him when he needs me, and disappear when I notice that anything I do is upsetting him. I know the things he says to me he doesn't mean, because I know when he doesn't feel well he is in a bad mood. So imagine that, 24/7 bad attitude. He has made me cry several times from the things that he says to me, but like I said, I know he doesn't mean them. I know he is hurting and I wish there was something I could do to help.... but wait.... there is....

Starting Jan 17th I undergo testing to see if I am a donor match for my father. I have prayed about this decision for months on end. I know there is the possibility of me some day needing both my kidneys, or not being able to have my own children if I go through with this, but I have come to terms and I know that my future lays in God's hands. I'm nervous and a little frightened but I know what I'm doing. There is the chance that I may not be a perfect match for my dad. If that is the case I told him that I am in this with him for the long haul. Methodist hospital has what is called "SWAP" otherwise known as the Donor Exchange Program. If I am not a match for my dad but still eligible to donate a kidney, they will find a donor/recipient pair whose donor matches my dad and I match their recipient. And we would all have surgery simultaneously. But, there is always the possibility that I may be rejected.

So again, pray, pray that if I am approved that things go smoothly, and pray that if I am rejected that I will be okay with the rejection. I know this all is upon God, and what happens is because he can see my future. But in the end, I still want to do everything possible to help my dad get better.

My last prayer request is for the person who has to sit with me on the 17th. I will be fasting for certain tests and will have not have had caffeine for 48hrs. So I will be extremely hungry and grumpy and possibly have a caffeine headache. Pray I don't bite their head off :-)

In the end, just keep your thoughts and prayers on my family as we continue to trek along this difficult journey.

The start of 2011

First, I hope everyone had a safe and Happy New Year! Also, wow, I can't believe that it is already the year of 2011.

Each year we are all known to make new year's resolutions, and with that we are also all guilty of not sticking with them. January 1st is a clean slate for most, a reason to start over, to make things and themselves better. I guess you can call me one of these people. I have a handful of resolutions. Some that I wish to keep to myself, others, I don't really care if people know.

Personally, I don't know if you would call some of them new year's resolutions, but more of a change in old habits, or making me a better person.

So, with this start of 2011, I plan on finding a church home, I will try and be a better daughter to both my parents, a better sibling to both my sister and my brother-in-law, and a better mentor to my nephews and niece. I am going to aim at being the friend people want and need me to be. I will have an open mind and listen more carefully. It has been brought to my attention numerous times by a friend (who will remain nameless) that I am a stubborn person. Well, that too I hope to change. Lastly, I am going to teach myself to have a new approach on things.

While these all sound like simple tasks, to me I don't believe that they are. God should always be at the top of my priorities and I have stumbled greatly in the past 6 months. My family is one of the most important things in my life and will always be my support group and therefore I need to fix my mistakes. My friends I see as a gift, and it would crush me to loose any one of them. Yes, my family is my support group, but I know I can turn to my friends when I need someone of my age and who understands what I'm going through to vent, or even just be around them to get my mind off things.

Now, some of the silly things for this year are broadening my abilities in the kitchen. I love to cook/bake so why not push myself and try new things. I started today by baking a philly brownie cheesecake. We shall see how it tastes tomorrow. Also, I'm going to try and lead a healthier lifestyle in all aspects. Not a diet, but just a lifestyle that is better for me in the long run; building better habits.

There are a few ideas left that I have floating around in my brain but I see them as not important or not blog worthy.

So, my dear readers, I hope that you too have figured out what you want to change or do differently this year and I hope that you are successful!